As I prepare to walk the half marathon in the upcoming race, I continue to walk several times each week. In addition to the walking, my trainer (a.k.a. my little sister, Megan) has instructed me to do core strengthening exercises. Simple enough, as a matter of fact, I bought a bright purple stability ball a couple of years ago and it’s high time that it gets used for something other than a dodge ball by my sons. I was flipping through a back issue of Better Homes and Gardens and right past the Pumpkin-Chocolate Cheesecake Pie and the Ginger-Pumpkin Meringue Pie recipes was a one-page fitness plan. “Strong to the Core” it read. And with the cartoon drawing of the trim woman elegantly perched on her large green stability ball, I was intrigued. The author states, “It only takes four moves to have a flat stomach”. I could think of four moves I’d like to do with those pies on the preceding pages, but I stayed focused.
After dinner one night, I showed the page to David. With the ice storms behind us, and warmer temperatures in the near future, David is counting down days to Mountain Bike season. I know it’s coming when I see the magazines reemerge, the Lewis and Clark ads stuck to the fridge, and bike parts randomly scattered around the living room. Since it’s hard to get a good ride in when the weather is uncooperative, David starts with conditioning exercises. I knew he could tell me if these “four simple moves” would, in fact, deliver the promised results. The names sounded harmless enough: bird-dog, slide plank, ball crunch, and (David’s favorite) the bicycle maneuver. The directions consisted of a few simple lines of purple text- the same purple as the workout ensemble on the cartoon model. David glanced over the instructions and determined that it would be worth a try.
The next night, as I cooked supper, I was reading through the first set of instructions when I realized that these moves might be more difficult that I thought, or I am WAY more out of shape! The bird-dog, as I read it, sounded impossible. To help clarify, I obediently got on all fours and attempted what I interpreted the instructions to say. I was trying to figure out how anyone could “kneel on hands and knees, keeping head level with the floor, and back straight. Tighten ab muscles while you raise your right arm AND your left arm simultaneously.” No matter how tight my ab muscles or how straight my back, I was not going to be able to lift both arms off the kitchen rug! Not realizing that I had essentially made up my own exercise, I reread the short purple paragraph more carefully to discover that I should have been lifting my right arm and my left LEG...much easier!
I was glad no one had seen me make a fool of myself and vowed to read through the remaining instructions carefully BEFORE attempting them! I kept my mindless mishap to myself until later when David emerged from the bedroom after his turn with the four moves. He tossed the magazine in my lap and sheepishly asked, “How in the world can you do the bicycle maneuver on the ball?” The bicycle maneuver is the one where you lie on your back, knees bent, feet in the air. As you bring one knee in as you simultaneously straighten the other leg. Meanwhile, you “crunch forward” and touch your bent knee with your opposite elbow. The exercise is meant to be done while laying on the floor, not on the stability ball, hence the confusion. I couldn’t control my laughter first at the thought of David atop the inflatable ball, Better Homes and Gardens in one hand, the other tucked behind his head attempting to lift both feet off the ground, one straight, one bent toward his chin; but then I was laughing at the pathetic pair we made. Out of four simple moves, we managed to completely botch up two of them! Sometimes I think we could make an entertaining you-tube video with no effort at all.
At this point, it doesn’t take much to unmotivate me and after two failed-attempt at fitness, my purple stability ball rests mockingly in the corner of our bedroom. I’m sure the cute, perky cartoon drawing now wears a smirk. Four simple moves? I beg to differ! I think I’ll figure out another, less humiliating, way to strengthen my core. Besides, the boys want their dodge ball back.
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